How I've loved you
by becky280596
Summary: What would have happened if The Grantham Crawley's had never lost contact with the Manchester Crawley's and Mary and Matthew had grown up together. What if Isobel died on the Titanic with Patrick, how would it change their love story?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Downton Abbey characters (though I wish I did because Matthew would not have died then) and don't make any money off this, this is just purely fun.

Okay so this is a new story that is in its infancy so please leave comments and any ideas you'd like to see incorporated into the story.

Chapter one

Matthew POV

I'd just seen it in the paper when I received the urgent telegram from Cousin Robert telling me that I was needed at Downton. I didn't read the list of the dead; I didn't want to confirm what my subconscious was already telling me. I knew that as men, even those of first class, Cousin Patrick and James would not have gotten off the ship. I didn't like what their deaths would mean for me or the fact that I would never see them again.

I tried to suppress the horrible feeling in my heart; I knew that Mother would have stayed to help get the children off the sinking ship. She would have fought for those in second and third class, always putting others before herself. I knew that my mother no longer graced this world with her presence and suddenly all I wanted to do was get to Downton and the arms of my Mary.

Mary's POV

I watched as Papa's face paled as he read the express telegram he had just been handed, I knew that something had to have gone so terribly wrong for him to react like that. My thoughts turned dark, what if something had happened to Matthew. Papa sprang from his chair calling for the papers and Carson. I watched as he told them to send an urgent telegram to Matthew. My relief was palpable; I rejoiced in my mind, thank the lord that Matthew wasn't hurt, my Matthew would be with me soon.

The tragedy that had obviously hit the Crawley family that Papa had yet to tell us about didn't even cross my mind.

Robert's POV

I couldn't believe what this telegram was telling me, my heir was dead along with his father and the mother of the boy, no the man, who would be my new heir. This was a sad day for the Crawley family; three Crawley's lost so quickly in such an unnecessary tragedy. I called for the papers and Carson, I would have to send for Matthew, he would have to help me handle this and nor should he be on his own at a time like this. Watching the colour flood back to Mary's face told me he would not mind in the slightest.

I did not relish the idea of telling Edith, she would be heartbroken. She had always loved Patrick so much more than Mary, who knew how badly she would react to this.

Edith POV

I had been worried at breakfast but Papa seemed to have got everything under control so I simply waved my concerns away. I'd had several errands to do this morning so I hadn't even bothered with the papers though thinking about it I doubt Papa would have let me read them. I couldn't believe what he was saying, not Patrick. Papa sat us all down in the library and told us about the Titanic, he told us that our family had not survived. I could hear this horrible wailing sound but I couldn't figure out where it was coming from, it took me a moment to realise that I was making it. I'd slid to the floor and mama was rocking me back and forth,

"I'm so sorry my dear, everything will be alright, I'm so sorry."

Just whispering it to me over and over again and I clung desperately to her reassurances needing my mother for the first time in a very long while. I could hear Mary asking when Matthew would be here in the background, you could hear the worry in her voice and after all he had just lost his mother, but all I could think about was how selfish she could be to ask that, didn't she realise that I had just lost the boy I had loved for a very long time. He and Mary had never been close as he was my age not hers, she'd only loved and ever doted on Matthew and he was still alive.


	2. Chapter 2

Matthew POV

The train had finally arrived at the station five hours after I had received that telegram and I had yet to breakdown. I was desperately clinging to the last semblances of control I had left, hoping that it would be enough to make it to Mary first. I could not allow myself to cry because I knew that once I started I would not be able to stop until it stopped hurting.

Focussing on her seemed to make it easier to stop myself obsessing over my mother's death, obsessing over all my memories of my time with her. I only had 23 years with my mother and that was not nearly enough, she would never see my wedding or her Grandchildren. I at least had the comfort of knowing she died doing what she loved and did best, helping others, who knew how many third class women and children she might have been able to save.

Branson was waiting on the platform,

"The Lady Mary is waiting for you up at the house."

I don't know whether he noticed my sigh of relief or the tension in my shoulders but I knew that the moment I saw her, my façade would crack and I could properly grieve my mother.

Branson politely ignored my very unmanly sniffles, but the closer I got to Downton the more it felt like I was finally coming home. I prepared for the wonderful sight that met me, the beautiful old house and grand entryway and there was my wonderful family standing waiting for me. At the forefront stood my Mary, waiting to except with open arms and such a large smile even if it held sadness. I stumbled out of the car and almost fell into her open arm, she couldn't hold my basically dead weight so we sank to the ground, her whispering soft assurances and myself letting all the hurt out even if it wasn't in a suitable place.

Mary POV

I stood waiting at the window, waiting for the tell-tale sound of wheels on gravel, telling me that my Matthew had arrived. I knew he would need me far more than what would be considered correct by society after all I wasn't even his fiancé, well yet anyway. However I would be there for him no matter what Granny and Mama would inevitably say.

I heard the car and called out to the rest of the house, letting them know he was here. I ran out into the entry way practically bouncing in my anticipation to see him. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I should be sad about the passing of my cousins, especially because of the horrible circumstances of their death. However the only person I would probably miss was Isobel, the women that helped me see that there could be more to my life than marrying for Downton. I could marry for love; have a life of my own. She was always so wonderful and her wonderfully pointed comments always made dinner so funny instead the normal boring.

However Patrick's death gave me an awful sense of relief, I wouldn't be bound to marry him anymore, I wouldn't have to run away with Matthew anymore. We could live a normal life, well normal for us anyway. I couldn't help but feel free, free to marry the love of my life who I'd loved since my fourteenth birthday when he had given me my first kiss. I would always treasure that memory.

The car pulled up and a slightly red-eyed Matthew jumped out of the car. As our eyes met I watched his resolve crumble. He staggered forward into my waiting arms, his weight was too much and as the servants ran forward to help I sank to the ground with him in my arms.

"Oh my Matthew, everything will be alright, shush you are with me now, and everything is going to be just fine."

I listened as his heart wrenching sobs slowed and he fell asleep in my arms, I motioned for Papa, Branson, Thomas and William to come gently pick him up, I pointed them to the library where I sat on a sofa and motioned for them to lie him down with his head in my lap. I gently carded through his hair with my fingers, knowing that however long it took we would get through this together as a family, the Crawley family reunited once again missing a few member who would be so sorely missed.


	3. Chapter 3

Matthew POV

Finally allowing myself to break down had done me a world of good, Mary told me that I wasn't my normal self yet but then again neither was she. I think she was a lot closer to my mother than she really ever let on.

If it was even possible we'd become even closer in the past few incredibly stressed filled days, the memorial had been held and while it was a lovely gesture towards my mother and cousins it had felt so empty, so devoid of emotion. Like no one was really willing to accept they were gone, the only one who had really done that was Robert and he had only moved on practically.

I was signing all the heir papers today, Murray, the family lawyer, was travelling up from London especially. I didn't want to, signing those papers would the last step in accepting they were gone. Everyone else was pretty much ignoring the situation apart from Mary but she had always been good at emotionally detaching herself from a situation. After I had finally wandered down for breakfast I found myself interrupting what seemed to be a fairly heated argument between Mary and Edith. While that in itself was a fairly common occurrence in the Downton household it shocked me as today was the first time apart from the memorial that Edith had stepped from her room. I caught angry whispers,

"It's not fair Mary, everyone knew that you would never have excepted Patrick as long as Matthew was in the picture. Mama was putting just as much effort into my training for countess as yours because she knew I was the more likely candidate. Now all that hard work is washed away along with the dreams I've had since childhood."

"Exactly Edith, childhood dreams they were never going to happen. Everyone one pretends that Patrick was some kind of saint but if he had ever been in charge of Downton the family fortune would have lost in weeks. Matthew has always been the better choice and he has always been mine, it's not my fault I have always favoured the better candidate. I'm just sorry his chance had to come about in such a horrible way but under him the estate could return to its proper glory and you know it. So never mind your precious Patrick, grow up Edith except it and move on like the rest of us are doing."

Mary then stood up from the couch they had been sat on and quickly moved into the dining room as the breakfast gong sounded leaving a much bewildered Edith. I walked past her politely nodding my good morning but I did not seem to get any sort of reaction. Ah well, the sisters would always be the sisters Mary the beautiful and wonderful one, if slightly cold to everyone except me but then again even I had experienced the ice-cold Lady Mary. Edith the plain unfortunate middle child, who let everyone know about it and really could be quite spiteful and finally Sybil just sixteen, the darling of the family who could one day give Mary a run for her looks.

As I entered the dining room everyone looked up from their morning routines except from Robert who had his head hidden behind the papers. He was probably expecting another one of his daughters; the poor chap had always been rather outnumbered. Mary smiled and gestured to the chair next to her,

"Good morning Matthew, how are you today?"

"I'm quite well Mary, I was wondering if you should like to go out on the grounds for a picnic lunch this afternoon after I sign the papers,"

Roberts's papers stopped rustling and he became deathly still,

"We could even take your sisters," he resumed his movement after reassuring himself that they would be properly chaperoned. After all Sybil would have to take her governess with her.

"I would like that, we've not really had a proper chance to spend time together have we, what with everything going on, shall I expect you around two then?"

"Sounds alright to me, I'll see you at the front then."

She nodded her agreement as she rose to leave and leant down to sneak a kiss to my check as she walked past, patting her fathers broad shoulder as a good-bye.

Robert lowered his paper and stared me straight in the eyes, a stare that clearly said behave yourself or I'll cut you into pieces, and then brought his papers back up and we carried on as normal.

Mary POV

Oh Edith just knows how to push my buttons, didn't she realise how selfish she sounded, it sounded as if she had never loved Patrick and just wanted Downton even it was to spite me. I hope that I was not the only one who realised that there would not have been a Downton should Patrick have ever gotten the chance to be in charge. I knew that it was not likely to ever happen; he probably would have drunk himself to death before he ever even had half a chance. Thinking about it Matthew would have known they did after all go to school together, Eton and then on to Oxford.

After agreeing to Matthews's idea I went off in search of Mama who had probably risen for the day by now, I had the dilemma for her. How did one dress for a spring picnic when you could only wear black. After finding her in the parlour and after spending quite a while discussing an appropriate outfit we moved onto the topic of Sybil. She had been ever so quiet ever since she had heard the news and we both wondered what had caused it. She had been too young to be close to Patrick and James had never bothered and Isobel had been a better friend to me than anyone else.

We heard a little knock at the door, everyone knew not to disturb me and Mama when we were chatting, and Sybil herself came in. Looking much worse for wear,

"Sybil, darling you must tell us what's wrong." Mama said.

"Oh Mama its just horrible, do you remember Sarah?"  
"Do you mean the girl who used to be the scullery maid?" I asked.

"Yes her, we were such a similar age, and you and Edith were older and didn't spend as much time with me, so I used to sneak downstairs and when she wasn't working we'd sit in her room and giggle and stay up long after bedtime. I even taught her to read and write properly so that she could move up in the world and get a better job."

"Well that does not explain what has you in such a slump, Sybil." Mama sounded so worried and I couldn't help but agree, this Sarah girl had left a few weeks before the Titanic had set sail.

"Her mother was in New York already she wanted to join her but couldn't afford the fare, and well she was my friend and I could see that she was truly miserable and I couldn't imagine being separated from you Mama. So I snuck some of my money that I'd saved from Granny each Christmas, and told her to go to her. We kept writing, she told me all about booking her passage and how excited she was to be joining her mother. She sent me the last letter the day before the ship left and now she must have died."

"Oh darling, my poor sweet girl, how sweet of you to do something like that, you must remember that this is not your fault that would be that awful icebergs fault but how do you know for sure she is dead."  
"Well I couldn't check the list of the dead, you and Papa would never have let me but well I snuck a look and I think I saw her name in the third class list."

"You know Matthew was talking about lots of mistakes being made in the identification of the third class, I could ask for him to look into it for you," I proposed.

"Oh would you Mary, I knew there was a reason for coming to you both. Thank you."

She left the parlour a little bit happier and a little lighter than before.


End file.
